Today's Sharemarket Report

Helium was up; feathers were down. Knives opened up sharply; paper remained stationary.

Lamps were dimmed in light trading; jello firmed. Elevators rose; while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up and down in heavy trading. Pencils lost a few points.

Toilet paper touched a new bottom; but diapers remained unchanged. The market for raisins dried up.

Cola-cola fizzled; caterpillar inched up. Balloon prices kept inflating; roofing peaked. Rubber balls rebounded; sopranos hit a new high. And Weight Watchers gained.

Some tire makers found traction; others remained flat.

Bread rose.

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