var msg = new Array();
Stamp = new Date();
today = Stamp.getDate();
msg[1] = "When I turned 50 I received half a telegram from the Queen.";
msg[2] = "I have half a mind to get married. They say that's all it takes.";
msg[3] = "I always aim high. That way I never splash my shoes.";
msg[4] = "We have a very balanced marriage. I tell her what to do - she tells me where to go.";
msg[5] = "After 28 years of marriage, I'm still in love with the same woman. I just hope my missus doesn't find out!";
msg[6] = "I always borrow money from pessimists - because they never expect to get it back.";
msg[7] = "Did you know Dolly Parton has to cut her toenails from memory?";
msg[8] = "He exercises religiously - every Christmas and Easter.";
msg[9] = "Promiscuous? She's said 'Yes' more times than Optus.";
msg[10] = "Until she came along my life was empty - now it's my bank account.";
msg[11] = "She hated her last birthday present. Can't figure out why - it was the most expensive lawnmower in the store.";
msg[12] = "Sign on Australian Taxation Office door: SORRY - WE'RE OPEN.";
msg[13] = "I used to be indecisive - but now I'm not so sure.";
msg[14] = "I hate myself in the morning. So now I sleep till midday.";
msg[15] = "Work is for people who don't know how to play golf.";
msg[16] = "Marriage is not a word, it's a sentence!";
msg[17] = "His lips have never touched a drop of alcohol. Well, not since they invented the funnel.";
msg[18] = "God invented men because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.";
msg[19] = "Overheard at Muslim strip joint: 'Show us yer face!!'";
msg[20] = "My wife and I make a great team. She does everything and I do the rest.";
msg[21] = "Is there another word for thesaurus?";
msg[22] = "She's been asked to get married hundreds of times - mainly by her parents.";
msg[23] = "Some people leave a mark on the world - he left a stain.";  
msg[24] = "The difference between your boss and the Pope? You only have to kiss the Pope's ring.";
msg[25] = "There was this lonely contortionist who had a heart attack and died in his own arms.";
msg[26] = "Talk about a rough landing. I asked the pilot, 'Did we just land or were we shot down?'";
msg[27] = "He's about as popular as a piranha in a bidet.";
msg[28] = "He suffers from paranoia and apathy. He knows people are out to get him but he doesn't give a toss!";
msg[29] = "What's got four legs and an arm? A very contented pit bull.";
msg[30] = "I complained to my lawyer about his fee. 'You ingrate!' he said, 'and to think I named my yacht after you.'";
msg[31] = "Nappies and politicians should be changed frequently - and for the same reason.";

function writeTip19() { 
document.write(msg[today]);
}