Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner.

Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding too?

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" -"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" - "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"..The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy! "

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted.. "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms."

17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

21. A three-legged dog walks into the Longbranch Saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

22. A duck walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist, "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush", his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I now all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns he finds that his boss has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?"

The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.

When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in the United States.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer anyway.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started!

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

"That's funny," said another patron. "That's why I got divorced."

After watching her flip through the entire magazine twice, I said, "What's wrong?"

"I've searched cover to cover and I still can't find the order form."

One queer finally becomes angry and turns to his partner, "If those big bad boys hit into us one more time, Seymour, you fall down and act like the ball hit you very very hard in the head. We'll just sue those naughty boys."

Sure enough, next hole they drove the ball directly into the gay twosome.

"Now, Seymour, now! Fall down. Well show them..."

The Angels walk up to the standing and lying queer and say, "What the hell's going on here?"

"You just hurt my friend Seymour really bad, and we're going to get a lawyer and sue you....how do you like that?"

The Angel replies, "Oh Screw You!"

The queer exclaims, "Seymour, Seymour, get up! They want to settle out of court!"

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and asked again to meet with President Bush.

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is sceptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, so indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses. The Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges are 100,000 lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel."

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call"

"The funeral director," his wife replied.